"Hot damn __ here we go again..."

I've started this entry a million times. Probably bc some new shit is always going on when I’m trying to get my blog on! But my mood is quiet, somber. Part of it is bc of the vibe at my job now that some lay offs have occurred. More on that later. What is on the forefront of my brain right now is my significant other. We have been in a relationship for almost two years and it’s never been easy. Just because my boo lets call them "C" and I didn’t meet on easy terms and C was a jerk in the beginning stages. I can’t divulge any other details only because I am afraid that I might cause myself a brain aneurism reliving the memories.

Anyhoo, C works a night job and the shift always changes. Never in the day but always various graveyard hours 2-10, midnight to 8, etc etc. So after working the midnight to 8 shift for a while, we finally got into a groove. Thank God bc when C started this night job last fall it was pretty bad. I never saw C, could never talk to C, and C used to even volunteer to work OT as well. It was to a point where I was having "straying thoughts" if you will and when I shared this with my significant other I was ignored. The obvious question was (and I am sure you are asking the same thing as ANY sane person would), am I being cheated on? Why I am I in a relationship and alone? Which by the way, I’ve done it before but I will not do it again. That’s the thing about getting older; you need to learn from your mistakes and past experiences. But we got on a set schedule and were good.

Now the shift has changed back to 2-8 and I think we may be back to square one. I could break it all down but I want to get all my thoughts out in the most quickest but thorough way possible. It’s only been a couple of weeks but the thing is, major problems ALWAYS start with a small negative feeling/red flag that snowballs into an avalanche. Week before last, C was tired, last week was Father's Day and a job interview, this week C was tired again. Too tired to really talk or make plans. I have a feeling of "ick" which I ignored the last time we were down this road where I ended up thinking about other relationships. So I guess I am just feeling like I don’t want to go through this crap again and why should I? I've seen enough trials and tribulations with C so I shouldn’t even have to deal with one instance of this scheduling bullshit. The other half is like, don’t be a pig, C is a good person, C had proven their love many a time, C has been stand up and all that good yadda yadda yadda.

But when it rains it pours right? I have a tendency to start with one problem and then ALL the issues come raining down. I ask myself, why the hell do I even need to get a whiff of this night job doo doo/ schedule crap when there are other issues that trouble me. For instance, the fact that we come from two different worlds? That I don’t know if C could ever fully understand what its like to be poor and hungry and have no support system whatsoever. WHATSOEVER. To be scared shitless. Where your safety, your whole "being" was in question. I asked C the other day if they ever experienced a situation where their worst fear became a reality. C told me about when they got laid off a couple of years ago (when we were in dating mode). And yes that is not easy for anyone but C still bunks with the 'rents and even if C was in an apartment C has PARENTS who care, a support system so C could never be alone. So I got annoyed and said that C getting laid off is completely different from the time my hours were cut at a previous job shortly after breaking up with my ex and getting my own place. Looking back I guess was piggish and stank. Who is anyone to judge anyone else’s pain or despair? But I sometimes wonder if I could ever be taken seriously when C hasn’t experienced some serious "fright" (lack of a better word).Another issue is C's mother which is disturbing me more and more the longer we are together. Ever since in my teenage years, mother in laws have loved me. Don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to brag. But they always seemed to like the fact that I worked hard, whether it was at school and/or work, ambitious, polite, helpful, caring, and clean? Lol But my current “play” mother in law always makes comments whenever C and I go out to eat or happen to buy something. She questions what was bought, what was spent and the questions aint all directed to C. She once even asked me about my decision to let my brother live with me for a spell. I am a grown ass woman and I have been so for quite some time. My own mother can’t question me so who is a complete stranger, someone who doesn’t know about my trials and tribulations to come and Barbara Walters me??? She has even said in my presence to C, “Come home once in a while, we miss you.” Meanwhile I never even see C to begin with. It’s to a point where I barely go over there anymore and…ok, if I can confide in you for a second…sometimes I am so concerned about this woman’s controlling and intrusive ways I worry that C will eventually be faced with a situation where “mummy” will cross the line and I will not be defended. Sometimes I even worry if we get married and have children, if something was to happen to C, that she will try and get custody of my kids or something. It’s that deep. Anyway it’s hot and I need to go lay down in front of my fan. This is one of those entries where I have no answers or “in conclusion” s so I guess we will just wait, watch and see (WWS).

I'm back bitches!

Hey all,

I know it’s been about five thousand years! I’m sorry, between financial woes, family drama, love triangle issues, being dissed on MySpace and other online mediums, crushed dreams, lawsuits, I had no inspiration to get out of bed, let alone write. Maybe one day I will explain it all but as for now, we need to move on.

ANYHOO, the drama still continues. It wouldn’t be my life if it didn’t lol. I will continue to keep it real, open, and honest which is what I have been told makes my blog likeable. I guess as opposed to the mundane, “I woke up, brushed my teeth, wiped my ass...” etc etc.

My blog will of course continue with my "endless questions" as someone so perfectly put it. It will also include updates on the continuing struggle to achieve a dream. I have a couple of dreams but the number one priority is to model. It’s a dream I’ve been chasing and not really getting closer to. So I will share my thoughts and struggles to grab this wispy cloud which in reality may be something that I will never get. I’m going to include you on this journey as I question the struggle, question whether or not the challenges is God’s way of telling me to have faith in him or God’s way of telling me to choose another path. Even though it pains me to even think that or type out the latter statement I have to put it out there and keep it real. I'll just continue to just share me. Ya’ll know the deal. So welcome back to my world.

Love,
S

Untitled

After your sweet kiss of death,
At 3am I walked home in the rain.
Confused.
Angry at you for catching me in your sticky web of deceit.
Angry at myself; I drank your poison in a wine glass.
I lifted my hooded head; I lifted my face to the sky
And closed my eyes…
Realized I love you.

The rain stopped.

Me

Thanks Mom...this brought back some stuff I needed to remember.

I remember:
The little baby who learned to feed her self at such an early age, the little baby who was
so bright in so many areas.
The little toddler who followed me everywhere never getting tired-always showing her love.
The little toddler who went to day care and helped her fellow classmates .
The little toddler who felt hurt when her teacher did not want her kiss on the cheek- I saw
and felt her pain and confusion.
The little toddler who loved to dance and sing and perform for me.
The little toddler who rested her lips on the sofa.
The little toddler who was unafraid to stand up to those bigger than her.
The little girl who wanted all her clothes to be eternally spotless (this still applies!).
The little girl who loved to draw and write stories.
The little girl who was so bright she was placed in a special class in school.
The little girl who loved to sing on stage never wanting to give up the microphone.
The little girl who loved to model.
The little girl still with the delicate skin, getting flare ups of rashes for no reason
itching and uncomfortable you were always so brave and for a child- so uncomplaining.
The little girl who had the ability to amuse herself for hours.
The little girl who was deathly ill with impetigo but never complained-as always so strong.
The young girl who always brought her Mom a tissue to dry her tears when Dad made her
cry.
The young girl who always protected her Mom when she thought that Dad was bothering
her.
The young girl who underwent a double hernia operation whom the doctors praised for her
bravery-you were a trooper always some trauma going on but you were a brave
soldier.
The young girl who came home in tears almost everyday from school- your peers teasing
you as you was not the same skin color.
The girl who finally had to steel her heart against her peers as it would have been broken-
unrepairably.
The girl who always tried to be the best for her Dad, alas, he never noticed .
The girl who wanted to get A++ on all her work and was so disappointed when she did not
even getting headaches over it-I told you to be proud of what you got but I knew being
the best was in your blood.
The young lady who, when seeing me from the bus, got off to say hi even though she had
blisters on her feet-thats true love.
The young lady who passed out at busy bus stop with no one helping her-still having faith in mankind.
The young lady who put herself through higher education while working sometimes not one
but two jobs
The young woman who wrote some beautiful poetry- you have a deep philosophical trait in you such as myself but beware it can also be a detriment pulling you down into dark pits.
The young woman who graduated with a wonderful average
The woman who pursued her modeling dream with an open heart to have it crushed.
The woman who chased the robbers who took her IPOD.
The woman yes the woman who has been through so much and still marches on.

Someone, please bring dating back!

There is this guy at my job who is older then me-in his mid to late forties. He is White and loves him some Black women. He is always looking at me, giving me that letch look and asked me one day if he was too old for me. Well right off the bat I wanted to say that he was too lame for me but I am turning a new leaf so I held back. However this guy who not only has tons of women calling him at work because he has no class and has no minutes on his cell phone (how you gonna play playa with no minutes?) thinks he is so doooooooooown (Black power). So much so that the man asks me about my extensions and asks me if it will fall off my head when it rains and other 'sistah girl' commentary. I am even more offended because this moron has a theory that Black women appreciate any drop of attention that a man gives us because we lack fathers and White chicks have dads who value and appreciate them so they don't slobber over attention like we supposedly do. White women supposedly COMMAND this attention and respect. Now I know I am fair skinned and all but why would this idiot tell me this 5 minutes after I tell him I am half Black? So now when I see him I am repulsed because he is a clown and I can see what his imagination is conjuring up about me. Hence why I want to kick him in his groin every time I see the skeevo.

So a couple of questions I have been pondering on:
1. We all know that men mature slower (ALOT slower) than women and if a mature woman like myself would like to be with/date someone who doesn't require a bib and high chair then what happens when I get older and I am no longer the spring chicken I used to be? In other words, men who are older want the young chicks. But when a young chick becomes a little more 'mature' who do they date then? These same men can be hot after you today but won’t give you the time of day in a few years. So while I don't want a senior citizen, who wants to deal with the younggin' BS? I get scared that I will be creating bad karma for myself by dating the same older men that women of the same age are vying for.

2. Another age issue: Anyone who knows me knows I love Sex and City (blog, hello!) So I wondered as I watched my mini collection yesterday: If I am 25 and I can relate to these women who are in their 30's what the hell is going to happen to me when I am actually in my 30's? If I am going through the crap they are going through then I don't know if I can handle anymore of this BS when I am older! I'll have a heart attack.

3. Dating issue: I was speaking to someone a few days ago about dating and apparently dating doesn't really exist anymore. You hang out a few times and then you kind of morph into a couple. I wanted to shake her big toe for telling me this (hey I'm half West Indian, hence the slang okay?!) because now it all makes sense. This explains why when I hang out with a guy a couple of times he thinks we're exclusive. It also breaks down why guys aren't even really trying that hard anymore to make a plan for an actual date. There is no dating; there is hanging out and coupledom (if the person doesn't totally repulse you). Excuse me but ...what? Hang out for 5 minutes and then some dude is all on my neck trying to get into my fridge and pants. Helllllll no! If there is no dating then I want to be 14 again when I could just crush on a boy and a kiss was a big thing. Sex wouldn't be on the menu because hey I would be too young. The funny thing is, the ONE time that I actually morphed myself and a person into a couple he told me that he was a serial monogamist making a change and we were by no means a couple! lol THIS is why you have to follow your gut and stay true to yourself.

Ahem, in conclusion it's clear I don't get this dating (or lack thereof) game in the 21 century. A relationship is something serious to me as I have stated in earlier post(s). No you don't have to be in love with everyone you date. But I want to be in love with the person I am in a relationship with! Is this wrong? Am I wrong? AND I don't want to be making out with people who are my friends like a kiss is some kind of random hand shake! (long story but I'm sure you can figure it out. WHAT is up with the casual kissing?). So here are the problems: I like to date and have fun but love (or at least close to it) the person I choose to have a relationship with. However, since dating doesn't exist and instead we have relationships resulting from 5 hang outs and NOW friends can French kiss like no one's business, then there is no love and things are alot more casual. What a freakin' bore man! It's a damn drag when you think about it. But as usual, I will continue to be the weirdo, not conform and march to the beat of my own drum. Maybe it's because I believe in love and I believe that love and relationships shouldn't be lack luster. If it is lack luster then you should just date and have fun until you find that person you REALLY want to commit to (this also helps to avoid infidelity; think about it). A commitment is deep. Right? *Sigh*

Dear 2006

I owed 2006 this. I wasn't going to post this as it's extremely personal but some of you who have read my blog told me that you like it when I get deep (well who doesn't like to hear deep dark secrets? lol). But I feel that maybe someone out there can relate and I just want to let it be known that everyone has a moment, everyone has pain, joy etc. These emotions are not mere words, they are real stories and events. It's not a simple, " Oh I am going through something..coffee?" So I hope this can make you laugh, make you smile, think, relate...feel.

Love,
Shauna

Dear 2006,

You started off with a bang; drunk and on the floor in a vodka induced haze, there I was bringing it in right. Little did I know what you had in store for me.

You robbed me. Robbed of my home, my love and what I thought was my future. “I am getting older. I am looking to settle down and get married,” is what you let him tell me. Me, who was his wife just minus the ring… only the ring (stupid bitch). This was after 3 years and after I had to hear HER voice on my phone. After I had to see hotel directions on my kitchen counter: It was a ‘mistake’ couldn't’t my inconsiderate, jerk ass understand that? So goodbye home/apartment, good bye my future husband/the father to the children I wanted to have in the years to come, goodbye to my little dog Ewa even!

Hello new apartment and larger rent/debt/bills, hello cut hours and then ultimately goodbye employment altogether; my worst fear materializing right before my brown 1/4 Chinese eyes. Hello new job, all 6 of you; separately/simultaneously. Hello panic attack in the bathroom. Hello 3 chops to my long curls and 4 dye jobs; red, brown, blonde, and black. Hello looking for something…

Hello no good for me men. Mister emotionally unavailable (haha you’re crying) and Mister control freak but ps I love you. Hey there Mister I have a woman but could you be my second fiddle as I’ve loved you for so long? And just to give a shout out to the caliber of men hollering at this 5’4 tri-racial chick: Mister I got 5 kids for 4 different women and I am only 28. Hi Mister I am still married, can I come over?

Then you robbed me again, literally, at the train station. Hello amused cops. Goodbye 4 month old video Ipod. Yes I had my life but goodbye music; the only thing that got me through those painful days; you just don’t get it. My music…God my music (Music Calms the Savage Beast)….Hello me running behind these robbing assholes. Hi crying down the street and me sitting in my drive way, sobbing; the first time I ever shed a tear since my world started falling apart: 8 long endless months ago. Hello paranoia that follows being robbed.

Goodbye people who I have supported through the years. Good bye to the ‘friend in need is a friend indeed.’ Goodbye to the potheads, drunks, and hoochies whose hair I stroked, tears I dried and blocks I’ve walked just so you could ‘clear your head.’ Hello slamming doors, I’m too busy I have a date (I need to get laid/get me a man etc). Hello desolateness.

Goodbye mother, goodbye perfect daughter for 24 years.

You raped me 2006. You cut me off at the knees and stripped me bare. Tore off every last shred of clothing that I had. Cold, I had to cling to myself for warmth and reach down inside and find something. Grip something. You tore down those walls and left me with nothing to hide behind. So there I was; open, naked, and humble as child. I had no pride, I had no strength, no aces up my sleeve, no upper hand whatsoever. I was at your will, not my own as I had none. I was no one, I was nothing. I had to start over. But in the interim, I found me. A baby is what I am. New skin is what I call it.

And I thank you.

Truly,
Shauna

Hey You

Listening to: In your Eyes by Peter Gabriel
The Wings- Gustavo Santaolalla Brokeback Mountain soundtrack
Eating ribs made by moi and its friggin slammin (thank you very much have a nice day!) oh and salad of course at 11:12 pm.

Yesterday I found the first first gift that you ever gave me. It was a square blue glass candle holder. It was the gift you gave me on our third or so date to show that you were really listening as it contained a scented candle (which I love) of my favorite scent that I happened to mention, of many years; CK 1.

Last week cleaning out my place I found a love letter I wrote you and never sent, all 7 or so pages. I wrote it a year ago. It was still in the envelope, sealed and stamped.

Today, I picked up that poem I was writing inspired by you a few months ago.

I threw them all in the garbage.

Time heals all wounds (or at least most of them).
When it's the real deal, you just know.

Funny, these sayings are as cliche as you can get. I remember asking my mom in my younger days (and maybe 5 minutes ago, lol jk jk I actually know the answers now or somewhat), what real love was, how do you know, how do people act etc etc. At the end of every movie I would ask her, "Mom did he REALLY love her?" (My issues were clear here!). No I ask her if this pain will ever go away. Upon hearing these crappy fairy sayings I would roll my eyes and demand some logic for my 1+1=2 brain (I am daddy's little girl after all). But my God, it's so f-ing true it's not even funny. Sweet! Think about the brain cells one could save knowing this shit!

A Journal Piece...

Sent to me by a friend:

Hey guys,I have a friend of mine you does debates with her friends and colleages online . Every week, she'll asked a question and the group would answer based on their opinion obviously, no hurt feelings, just a friendlydiscussion. This week, she asked :" If you were to write to your younger self, giving advices about love,what would you tell yourself? I thought this was a great idea. For example one person wrote:"First don't listen to the hype… spandex cat suits may look good in the gymbut they are NEVER GOING TO BE CUTE. I know the dudes are looking at you with hunger in their eye but remember you are not a piece of steak…Second, go with your flow and grow out your locks, trust me you'll lovethem.Third, don't be afraid to explore your feelings with Luc, it won't damage your friendship…Fourth, you aren't weird or crazy; you just have an artistic side that you need to express…Finally, love yourself and all your mistakes."

Another wrote:

Dear young self, Boy have you got a lot to learn. Love is the most valuable thing there is after God. Without it, you are just a walking corpse. You will love yourfamily, your friends (well some of them at least J) and a day will come when you will love a man (no you won't always think that they have the cooties!).The number one thing you should remember is to respect yourself and never trust anyone 100%. If you respect yourself, your man will respect you and if he does not, you will respect yourself enough to kick him to the curb. You will hear a bunch of different lies from men, learn how to detect them early on. You will get hurt, learn how to move on. Be brave, be strong and know that when god wants you to find the right one, you will know it. Don't beclosed minded, stay open to options but love fully. And when you do find that person, that god has sent down specially tailored for you, cherish him, love him unconditionally, respect him and my dear young one, demand the same.

You in 15 years :o)

Sitting here in my silly lil' pink nightgown with bears on it that I've had since I was 15/16 lol, sipping on some tea, listening to John Legend's Ordinary People. Such a brilliant song in every which way...

Things/statements written/said by people that made me think:

" Anybody, find me someone to love."
"To continue loving someone when there is no promise of that love thriving- that is romance."

Hmmm, first one...broke my heart and it came from someone...well who has a good heart, deep down. There was times when he wasn't very nice to me but being the undercover softie that I am...well I felt bad. I want to love and heal those in pain. Play nurse, mother, best friend, sister, girlfriend, bad ass big bro defending others (when I wouldn't get that riled up for my own honor) IE whatever a person needs So I am feeling the emotion in this. However, balance is the name of the game, limitations, and boundaries. Tryin' to catch my damn fallin' self...

The second one, well can't even touch this one really ..so,ooo I wont. But I must say this, I strongly disagree.. Maybe because it sounds like an epic love story, which is how my life seemed to be for a minute but I realized that life doesn't have to be that way for anyone. It can be an actual healthy normal story with realistic problems but the core values and desires are still met. So now that I put it out there for you guys to read, discuss at the water cooler ;)

Sweet and peaceful dreams...

Love,
Shauna